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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Moral crime: racism
Every nation likes to have a rival, a bogeyman country to scare the kids with and justify whatever self-interested foreign policy they may have happened upon. And the Brits are no exception. Over the years we’ve been fairly withering about the French, the Spanish, the Germans, the Russians, the Japanese and anyone of any nationality that has decided to make their home in our cities.
So, what’s the one thing that has resounded down the years from a series of 17th century economic rows between Britain and Holland? The popularity of the phrase go Dutch – splitting the bill because neither side is willing to pay all of it – because, according to the assumed wisdom of the day, the Dutch are all tight-fisted.
Saved by the bell
Moral crime: burying people alive
A lot of people assume saved by the bell is a boxing term. It probably is a boxing term. It makes the most sense as a boxing term, referring to someone who is losing a bout being allowed time to recover when the bell goes at the end of a round.
However, there’s another theory, which dates from a time before the Marquis of Queensbury. In the 18th century, it was fairly common for graveyards to exhume older coffins, so the site could be reused. And the rumor goes that some of the coffins that came up – as many as one in 25 – would be found to contain scratchmarkson the inside of the lid. A horrific discovery.
So, some bright spark came up with the idea of burying the dead with a length of string attached to their wrist, which would then pass up to the surface and be attached to a bell. Thus anyone who was merely asleep could be saved by the bell.
By Hook or By Crook
Moral crime: feudalism
This apparently dates back to days when all forests and woodland were considered the property of the crown. If you were a commoner without permission, you could be arrested for going into the woods to gather firewood. But if you were one of the poor people of the parish, you were granted access in order to pick up fallen boughs, or knock off dead branches. But they could not take any sharp cutting tools with them, all wood had to be harvested using either a hook (to pull dead saplings out of the ground) or a crook (to hoick branches off trees).
How this was changed to mean getting things done by any means necessary is another matter.
As Mad As A Hatter
Moral crime: industrial pollution
This one’s easy: hat-makers used mercurous nitrate when making felt hats, and one of the side effects of inhaling the fumes can be tremors, which would create a culture of eccentricity around milliners.
Although there are also examples of hatters with some fairly extreme personal habits, including Robert Crab, who shocked 17th century society by giving all of his worldly goods to the poor and living on dock leaves and grass.
Steal My Thunder
Moral crime: copyright theft
John Dennis was an actor-manager-playwright in the 18th century, and in 1709 he invented a device to make thunderous noises happen during stage productions. He did this because he’d written a play in which there was a great storm. However, it was not a popular play, and his company had to move on when ticket sales dwindled.
The next company to use the theater were performing Macbeth, which also has a big storm. When John went to see their production, he was appalled to discover they were using his machine, and began shouting: ”That is my thunder by God, the villains will play my thunder but not my play!”
Moral crime: regicide
Not a massively common expression, and with good reason. You’d subtly whisper Charlie’s dead to a woman if her petticoat was showing below the hem of her skirt, which is less of a thing than perhaps it used to be. However, the origin of the phrase, if true, is among the most gruesome ways to come up with an expression designed to prevent female embarrassment it’s possible to imagine.
Somehow, female royalists after the English Civil War thought it would be a fitting tribute to their fallen king – Charles I had just been beheaded – to dip their petticoats in his blood. Somehow this was a widespread enough practice to generate its own slang.
3M Post-It: Making a Difference, Boyfriend
Tums Extra: Lamb
Bearded Lady Bourbon: The Search
Volkswagen: Park Assist Technology, Hedgehog/Fish
Playtex: Tattoo Boy
The Cape Times: William
Nataraj Pencils: Wrecking Ball
Energy Australia: Treadmill
Huggies/Kimberly Clark: Political
New York International Latino Film Festival: Serial Killer Movie Recipe
Milky Way: Skaters
Volkswagen: Park Assist Technology, Car Jack/Glass Truck
Etch A Sketch: Sushi
San Francisco SPCA: Waiting Room
Old Spice Swagger: Action Hero
Alo Ultra: Spaghetti Napolitan
Maxam Civilization: Egypt
Blackstar Bikes: Panda
3M Scotch Tape: Chameleon
Ferretti Yachts: When the Master’s Away
Pymes Magazine: Milk
Volkswagen: Park Assist Technology, Portaloo/Hearse
Kaleva Newspaper: Underground
Visa: Stanley Cup Playoff Beard
El Comercio Newspaper: Pig
Kyivstar: Shared Birdfeeder
Colgate Dental Floss: Smile, 3
Arjuna Yoga Centre: Woman
Volia Broadband: Titanic
Sky Company Parachuting: Wind
MasterCard Canada: Women’s Golf Classic
Witte Molen: Last Wish
Wrigley Orbit: Cow
3M Privacy Filter: For Your Eyes Only
Bench Fix Hairstyling Products: Gecko
Volia Broadband: King Kong
The Art Director’s Club: Keep Fighting the Good Fight, Illustration
According to DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK in the New York Times, Libya’s transitional government is completing an agreement with Egypt to deposit $2 billion in the Egyptian central bank, an official briefed on the talks said Sunday.
The timing suggested a possible quid pro quo, coming five days after Egypt complied with a months-old Libyan request to round up for possible extradition at least three prominent loyalists of Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi’s who had been living openly in Cairo.
For the full article go here.
The Karoto - Sharpener & peeler, designed by Avichai Tadmor and available here from Monkey Business.
Peel, sharpen & curl ribbons of carrots, zucchini, cucumbers and other similar shaped vegetables to decorate and add flair to your salads and dishes. It even comes in 2 colors: black, yellow. Happy eating!
A Kentucky man is suing his doctor after the surgeon amputated the man's penis during a circumcision procedure to treat inflammation.
The doctor says he found cancer in the man's penis while performing the surgery and made the decision to amputate it because according to him, the cancer was life-threatening. Phillip Seaton is now taking the doctor to court, claiming that he should have been consulted before the doctor took action. This has been going on for over 2 years!
Yiiiikes!! Poor guy. He has to live the rest of his life without his peen!
Definition: The name of whatever Sheen’s on.
Usage: "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
Definition: The end goal of Charlie Sheen’s life philosophy.
Usage: “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning,” “Just winning every second,” “Winning, anyone?” “Duh, winning!”
Pronunciation: Quoth Sheen, “It rhymes with winning.”
Definition: Winning on the ultimate level.
Usage: I’m not bi-polar, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”
Riding the mercury surfboard
Definition: Skillfully working one’s way into the headlines.
Usage: "It's been a tsunami of media and I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard." (See also: “winning.”)
Wearing a golden sombrero
Definition: Getting divorced four times in a row (kind of the opposite of a hat trick).
Usage: “I tried marriage. I'm 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer -- I believe in numbers. I'm not going 0 for 4. I'm not wearing a golden sombrero."
Definition: What runs through Sheen’s veins, making him all-powerful.
Usage: “AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA,” “[I survived drug addiction] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”
Sober Valley Lodge
Definition: The Beverly Hills home where Sheen claims he’s healed himself “with the power of my mind.”
Usage: “We couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. … Its primary client achieved radical success.”
Definition: Sheen’s nickname for himself, based on his preferred position between his two blonde 24-year-old girlfriends, a.k.a. "the goddesses."
Usage: “It’s a wedge. Boom. You form a wedge to make room for the guy carrying the ball.”
Definition: An exclamation used to signify the end of a mind-blowing statement.
Usage: “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.” “[My ex-wife Denise Richards] shows up looking the way she does. … Wow! Everybody’s winning. Boom!” “White gold? Boom!” (Synonyms: Bang.)
Definition: An exclamation used to signify the end of a conversation.
Usage: “That's how I roll. And if it's too gnarly for people, then buh-bye,” “Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye.”