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I loved the Betty White Super Bowl Snickers ad but... These two are perfect!

A friend sent this to me and I found myself laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of political correctness over the holidays. Kinda takes the fun out of just having a nice time with good intentions.

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:    October 1, 2009
RE:        Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23^rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:     Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:     October 2, 2009
RE:         Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:       All Employees
DATE:    October 3, 2009
RE:        Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:    October 4, 2009
RE:        Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20^th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    October  5, 2009
RE:        The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM:   Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   October 6, 2009
RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23^rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

The family that clubs together, stays together... pre-nup or not!

Twitter sensation Shit My Dad Says is headed to television.

CBS has picked up a comedy project based on the Twitter account, which has enlisted more than 700,000 followers since launching in August and has made its creator, Justin Halpern, an Internet star.

"Will & Grace" creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are on board to executive produce and supervise the writing for the multicamera family comedy, which Halpern will co-pen with Patrick Schumacker. Halpern and Schumacker will also co-exec produce the Warner Bros. TV-produced project, which has received a script commitment.

The comedy's title will change if it gets on the air.

Halpern, 29, had moved back in with his parents in San Diego, and on Aug. 3 he launched "Shit My Dad Says," a Twitter feed featuring colorful -- often profane -- comments and pearls of wisdom made by his 73-year-old father during their daily conversations.

Some examples:

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you";

"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi";

"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

Shit My Dad Says is the second hot Internet property to land at a broadcast network this development season as a potential half-hour series.

Fox is developing a multicamera comedy based on popular Web site TextsFromLastNight, with Sony TV and Happy Madison producing.

Halpern, who sold "Shit My Dad Says" as a book to Harper Collins last month, and Schumacker are repped by ICM and Infinity Management. Kohan and Mutchnick are with Vision Art.

Ran across these on my iPhone and thought a post/collection was in order...

There is a random black bra I found outside my friend Kenny's apartment building on a recent trip to The City, which made me think of all kinds of story lines, a vividly textured and layered woman on a stroll at Kate Sessions Park, an interesting overweight gentleman in a power jumpsuit holding a purse... he seems lost at the airport in San Diego. There you have it...

Taking a break at work I came across this funny article while viewing my favorite blogs. With the launch of Windows 7 coming this October 22nd, their campaign to woo customers with ridiculous "launch parties" and this YouTube video (link below) are ridiculous.

The article is written by Charlie Brooker from the guardian.co.uk and his humor is biting. I got a chuckle out of it, but I am a die hard Mac fan and user. He can't hurt me...

I admit it: I'm a bigot. A hopeless bigot at that: I know my particular prejudice is absurd, but I just can't control it. It's Apple. I don't like Apple products. And the better-designed and more ubiquitous they become, the more I dislike them. I blame the customers. Awful people. Awful. Stop showing me your iPhone. Stop stroking your Macbook. Stop telling me to get one.

Seriously, stop it. I don't care if Mac stuff is better. I don't care if Mac stuff is cool. I don't care if every Mac product comes equipped a magic button on the side that causes it to piddle gold coins and resurrect the dead and make holographic unicorns dance inside your head. I'm not buying one, so shut up and go home. Go back to your house. I know, you've got an iHouse. The walls are brushed aluminum. There's a glowing Apple logo on the roof. And you love it there. You absolute MONSTER.

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The other day at work some people were laughing so hard and for so long I had to go see what was up.

Well I now have a new favorite site to check in on and laugh when the day gets tough: I Hate My Parents is so damn funny it hurts. As of this post date and time pages 8 and 9 are excellent.

The premise is to send in ridiculous pictures of yourself that your parents took. Priceless, enjoy!