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The journey to the true self will take you through your body, imagination, emotions, mind, and unconscious because these are the conditions of the human experience. Take a moment now to observe yourself. You may feel out of balance, your mind may be jumping around, but you can still observe yourself. Your inner observer will not be waving a flag to get your attention, but if you are still and aware and present, you will sense its presence.

What if that which is aware -- your inner observer -- is God? How ironic to think that we are running around looking for Spirit, for God, and all the while God is inside us, looking at us looking for Him. A lot of us think that if God were present, there would be more going on, golden chariots or a choir of angels. We look for something phenomenal, something that will make us feel special. But maybe God is present in the ordinary act of observing.

John-Roger with Paul Kaye
From: What's It Like Being You?

Well this recent trip to Tampa for my new job training has been fun, exciting, challenging, stressful, overwhelming... and I feel myself growing yet again. This post is a long one simply because I have a lot to share and time on my hands. On entering my hotel in Tampa I was greeting by this holiday lit parrot. I am in the South!

Let me start out by saying the opportunity that has presented itself to me career wise is incredible. To be handpicked in this economy to work for what Inc. magazine recently ranked No. 373 on its 28th annual Inc. 500, an exclusive ranking of the nation’s fastest-growing private companies, is amazing to me.

Triad Digital Media, founded in 2004 by CEO Greg Murtagh, is unique in the online advertising industry. The Tampa-based company creates, manages and operates online media programs for leading retail and ecommerce Web sites, which include Walmart, Sam's Club, CVS Pharmacy and Dell to name a few. In total, Triad Digital Media’s client sites reach more than 70 million shoppers every month, with high-impact advertising media opportunities to reach consumers at the exact right time and place — while they’re deciding what to buy. Triad Digital Media has a three-year growth rate of an amazing 677.2 percent, with an annual revenue of $51.4 million and 155 employees, make that 156 as I just signed on! The company operates seven offices nationwide, including its headquarters in Tampa.

OK, back to me. So I show up on time, introduce myself, open up and meet new people. Never an easy thing for me as I find I guard my privacy, but realize if I am to fit in, work with others, I need to be a part of, right? That old issue of "what's your wife's name" is ever present and my reply usually is "my partner's name is David...." and listen for the shoe to drop, the facial expressions to show and then their response. Usually people are cool, it's me that worries of some sort of confrontation. Why do I do this to myself?

Anyways everyone is cool at the office, only two people have inquired about my ring and one was gay anyway. So it turns out he is my new Traffic Manager, the one who will be handing me the job tickets to work on from Tampa to my home office in San Diego. Great guy, funny wit and an instant sense of comfortability as we're "family." He asked if I wanted to meet him and some of his friends Saturday around noon for lunch over in Ybor. It's a cool place that reminds me of the Gaslamp in San Diego. It appears to be a happening place at night with clubs and restaurants and cool shops and a theater, etc as well in the daytime.

I mapped on Google my trip and hit the highway in my rental. I got the car so I wouldn't feel trapped in my hotel for 12 days, but completely stress out and get so anxious driving somewhere new. Reading my directions, looking at the highway signs and turning down the music "so I can concentrate better" as if that helps, and I find my way and look for parking.  We meet up at a Hamburger Mary's, a gay-owned restaurant, which the San Diego one closed a while ago and is now Mo's in Hillcrest, and laugh and have a great time. All of my 411 is relayed and I show pics of Dave and we have a great time. Good Lord, I'm 20 years older then him! Thank God I'm young in spirit.

When we first met and I was introduced to his friends it was all casual and just greetings, on exiting and telling my co-worker I would see him later that evening at the company Christmas party we all hugged. Amazing what a little opening up does!

Now to get my car and figure out my path back to my hotel. You may think "just do the opposite" but it's never that easy. Especially if you are missing that inner navigational chip upstairs where a sense of direction is already built in. If you're navigationally-challenged, feel free to let me know so I don't feel alone.

On my way back I walked around the International Plaza near my hotel - a HUGE shopping mall reminiscent of Fashion Island up in Orange County, with Neiman Marcus, Louis Vuitton, Burberry and the like and then came back to my hotel to no parking.

They take their college football SERIOUSLY down here. The place is packed with purple and orange everything... cars, people, faces, clothes, balloons, buses it goes on and on! Well as I was boarding the elevator someone pulled the fire alarm and the sirens and lights and bar football crowd went insane. The sound was quite deafening and I finally got back into my room after the fire department came and left.

Never a dull moment. I take some cold medicine and rest for a few. Then map my journey to the Christmas party that appears to be up and over in Dunedin above Clearwater - a party with people I have only known for 4 days and feel like I am crashing in on the hard work they did for the last year to celebrate it. So I will do as I was told in the beginning of my new life: show up on time, introduce myself, open up and meet new people. Again.

Alright this trek is now in the dark and will be over water causeways and quite a ways away. But I suck it up and persevere. Google is great, but what happens to the poor driver (me) who comes across a split in the road with no signs? Which to take, left or right? What's this dead end, it's not on my notes? Use common sense and go for it! Be fearless in the presence of feeling completely vulnerable and lost. Damn it a twisty road with no lights and a sense that I am in the wrong place and then bam! there is the street I needed. Keep the faith, Kevin, you can do this. I did, too and made the party.

A little awkward, but I tried to mingle and was asked countless times "why are you not drinking?" "club soda with an open bar, come on?" etc. Needless to say I made it thru that with my cold excuse for some, and others got the "I don't drink" catch phrase. Enough said. The awards are given out, it's a lovely party, but I feel like the red headed step child nobody knows what to do with - they're nice, but the conversation is limited. Everyone is with their friends and drinking and laughing and I feel odd man out. Never shunned, just me and my head. So I hang and make sure to be seen by all those who matter and soon make an exit as the buffet is announced.

Yes I got lost, made a few wrong turns, but made the 45 minute trek back to my hotel and order room service.

Today I woke up at 10am, ran down in my shorts, tshirt and hat to make the breakfast deadline and was told they are open until noon. I bring my cottage cheese, fruit and toasted English muffin and coffee back to the room and read some blogs. Realizing it is another grey day and not warm enough, I  decide not to go to Busch Gardens and ride roller coasters but to go out to St Petersburg.

Another drive over water causeways and new city streets, but I did it last night, I'll do it today. I visit the sites at BayWalk and the waterfront shops, cafes and restaurants.

I go to the Museum of Fine Arts, but didn't want to spend $14 and decide to eat. Wonderful meal, but I realize how much I miss Dave. Eating by yourself, walking around a new city and exploring it is not the same without him. I find I can do all these things on my own, and am proud of myself for stretching and growing, to take chances and push myself, but it is always better with someone and his name is Dave.

So I decide to head back and relax at my hotel and ease into another week of training. Each day gets better and has me stepping up to whatever challenge comes my way. I can do this...

As I sat at the reading table in my hotel room a favorite song played on my iPhone. Tracy Chapman has such a wonderful, rich voice and the lyrics usually hit home in one form or another - deep and always meaningful.

Listen and read the accompanying lyrics.

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.

Ran across these on my iPhone and thought a post/collection was in order...

There is a random black bra I found outside my friend Kenny's apartment building on a recent trip to The City, which made me think of all kinds of story lines, a vividly textured and layered woman on a stroll at Kate Sessions Park, an interesting overweight gentleman in a power jumpsuit holding a purse... he seems lost at the airport in San Diego. There you have it...

OK, here is an example of how I find things...

1. First I heard a bleep on my TweetDeck and saw a tweet from my favorite blogger Chris Coyier from CSS Tricks.
He mentioned he just posted a screencast on how to re-create a CSS trick on this other site.
2. I watched the video, thought it was cool, and scrolled to the end of the post to see others posts/comments.
3. Then I scrolled past one where he commented back to someone and nosy me wanted to know what was up.
4. I read both and came across this

Jack Franklin says:

Great stuff Chris.

I noticed you have the HTML Ipsum icon in your menu bar, where can I get that program from, I’ve been searching for ages and I can’t find it

Thanks,

Jack

Chris Coyier says:

Use fluid.app and make a menu bar app from this URL http://html-ipsum.com/fluid/

5. So I Googled the app and... check this out and review the first 1 minute video on the sidebar. Very cool...

http://fluidapp.com/

6. The html ipsum app he was talking about is cool as well

This is how I find these things out, one thing always leads to another...

This morning we found ourselves lagging with all the hiking and picture taking, so we decided to lay low and take it slow. We made our way over to the Haight and ate an Eggs Benedict at the Gulp and Squat, terrible name, good food.

We came back to the house and messed around on our laptops and talked about us, what else, and were excited to hit up the Adobe FlashCamp SF this afternoon. I read about it and mentioned to Kenny he should go since it was in his city and FREE to boot. That instigated me coming up and here we are.

Well it starts at 5 to 10 with free beer and pizza, presentations on the latest in Flash, Flex and Air products. We first walked around south of Market and hit up a Whole Foods for dinner (no pizza or beer for me!) and grazed on a little over a pound of salad.

Why is it when they have all that good stuff at the salad bar mine always weights so much? I like to think its the hicama and other heavy veggies, not the amount. Delicious!

Next we hiked back and hit up the legenary Adobe building itself where the event was being held and sponsored. It was, simply put, Geek Central, and as we walked in and stood in a line of fellow designers (and by the looks of the people there, developers galore!) to get our lammy name tags, bag of schwag, t-shirt and hit the scene.

After a few initial presentations and a product give-aways we decided to hit the road. It was beginning to get a little over my head with back-end functionality, etc. and we ate dinner at a great Italian restaurant in Noe Valley, then back to Kenny's to check out our freebies, laugh and geek out on our laptops.

A good day was had by all...

Well my legs, calves and feet are sore from all this walking in The City these past three days. Today Alvin had another photo shoot all over town.

We went down to the Embarcedero, through the Financial District, took a cable car ride, hit up Grace Cathedral, The Fairmont, The Mark Hopkins, down into China Town, over to North Beach for Italian and along Broadway to pose under Big Al's. Later we went down to the Castro for more hilarious photo ops in the evening after a coffee break.

Whew, such tourists, but you can't see the City from sitting around just playing on your laptop.

You can see more Alvin pictures on the Photo page.

Long story short while Kenny was at SDSU after I left, he took a photography class and asked if I would model for him for a project. I brought my Austin Power teeth and coke bottle glasses to distract and voila! Alvin was born!

So we decided to take pictures of Alvin all over San Francisco on this trip and I packed my props.

Alvin makes his way around The City streets... more in the Photos section!

It just breaks my heart when a sponsee decides to go out. I mean it is a decision, a choice. No one pours that drink back in you or makes you swallow that pill, hit that pipe, or shoot that syringe. It is the insanity prior to taking that action that baffles me.

I thank my God on a daily basis for the willingness to keep an open mind, the desire to stay in the solution, and that the obsession to drink has been removed for the past eleven years now. In working with others I find myself fulfilled and also engaged in making a difference in someone else's life. Where did that come from? I was a seriously selfish and isolating individual for years and years.

This is not saying that for years prior to getting sober and being in recovery I did not relapse time after time on my own. I mean please, make note of the fact that it was on my own. Sure it was with Dave, we both tried... but it was without any guidance and support. The 12 Steps have changed my life forever.

I know in my heart that I cannot keep anyone sober and I cannot get anyone drunk or to use. It is their choice. I just need to continue to work my Program to the best of my ability, listen to my sponsor, and to be of service for those who need and want me. I will remain an example that this works for when and if they choose to come back and live a life that is happy, joyous and free.

My best bud Kenny lives up in San Francisco. We met while going to Mesa Community College down here in San Diego and it was an auspicious meeting to say the least. If I remember correctly, I saw him for the third time out of four classes, we had the same schedule, and after going there by myself and never really connecting with anyone, I thought I should get to know him. We were in a yoga class, and in the Downward Facing Dog position I heard him next to me say, "Is it in yet?" I swear I still laugh to this day, even now as I type this. I realized he had my sense of humor, we were both in a design program, I later found out that he was in recovery and gay as well. That was it, we were buddies for life.

We continued on and met our third partner in crime named Karen, who I recently reconnected with on Facebook, which was amazing as she married and changed her name. I never thought we would get in contact again as she moved with her husband back to Israel thereafter. Anyways, back to the story at hand...

So, as I was a year ahead of Kenny in classes, I left and went on to SDSU and he followed a year later. We had so much fun going to classes, carpooling, Starbucks breaks and classes with "Mistress" who cracked the whip in our Flash class. We talked recovery, life, finance, world events, etc. He is my best friend outside of my relationship with Dave. Here we are each graduating, couldn't have made it without him.

As I am an Egyptology nut, love that I grew up in San Francisco as well as web design, I told Kenny about the Tut Exhibit coming to the De Young and a Flash conference that Adobe was putting on for free up there and he should check it out. The price was right and he was there. I said I would go if I could and he said why not? He checked airline rates and within a few hours and talking with Dave I had a flight booked and was going to visit Kenny, see my city and go to a free Adobe Flash conference. Unemployment does have it's advantages sometimes!

As for the Egyptian exhibit, Dave and I need to plan another trip up there as it goes well into 2010. See May 8th posting for details if interested.

Anyways, more will be revealed upon my return. I am going up on May 26-30th. We are going to do a photo shoot as well with some props I used as a model for one of Kenny's photography classes. A laugh for sure, just updated and in various parts of The City with props I'm sure that will be hilarious.  Here are two of the pictures he took of me made up as a character we'll call Alvin.